Can Military Mothers miss their son's or daughter's as much as Military Spouses? I mean is it the same heartache?

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Permalink Reply by Lori Bell on January 11, 2011 at 5:12pm

Hmmmm...Amanda I don't think it's fair to compare.  I think it's just different.  Moms are moms no matter how old the kids are and if this is the first time for her son to be gone, it really hurts.  However you're missing your friend, your intimate partner, your partner at home and in daily life....TOTALLY different.  so to answer the question "can they feel what we feel" nope...but neither can you do feel what she feels.  HOWEVER there is a level of understanding each of you brings to the table and it's important to UNDERSTAND rather than compare.  Talking about it from your different perspectives can be helpful, and express your love for him in your own personal way.

 

ONe of my favorite authors says "seek first to understand, then be understood."  That's Stephen Covey, from "7 Habits of Highly Effective People".  I think that's a great place to start helping each other.  Whatever you do, DON'T get into a "I love him most and best" competition.  Neither of you will win.

 

Thoughts?

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Permalink Reply by Megan Glynn on January 12, 2011 at 11:41am

I am very fortunate to have a mother-in-law that is very laid back and understands the day-t0-day difficulties we experience when my husband is deployed.  So, it is very rare (if ever) that I feel she is trying to prove that she loves or misses him more than I do...  However, given that my husband is not the best at communicating with his parents while he is deployed, I do understand how his deployments can seem like an eternity for her.  While he is deployed, I make an extra effort to call or e-mail her with updates (both about my husband and our kids).

 

Also, during one of his deployments, I was talking with my mother-in-law when it dawned on me...I am very lucky to be surrounded by a wonderful support network of women that are all in the same shoes.  My mother-in-law, however, feels very alone.  None of her friends have sons that are deployed and truly "understand" what she is going through. 

 

So, Amanda...is it possible that your mother-in-law is sharing her feelings with you just as an attempt to talk to someone who understands what she is going through?  She most likely isn't trying to be overbearing or "competitive" -- she is simply looking for someone to say...I understand your pain.  I recognize everyone has different relationships with their in-laws -- but as Lori said, possibly setting out to understand her would help both of you get through the deployment.

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Permalink Reply by Shannon Looper on January 12, 2011 at 11:53am

I agree with Lori, it is completely different.  Neither is more or less painful than the other persons feelings.  You need to sit down and talk to her because as a Air Force Mom myself with a son who is engaged, I recognize that his fiance is very important to him and absolutely should be but that does not change the fact that what we as mothers feel is a different longing and pain and fear when separated from our child.   We don't just stop worrying or loving or caring about our children when they get married or have significant others.  It is definitely much harder on us in that we do not have as much support as a spouse does so finding the outlets to turn to is harder fro a Mom.  Be patient and kind and remember that she loves and misses him too.

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Permalink Reply by Nancy Rooney on January 12, 2011 at 11:57am

As the mother of two sons in the military, I think I can respond with a mother's point of view. Can she miss her son as much as you.... darn right she can, but as Lori Bell said, in a much different way. I know that when I had my children, I felt one of the most important "job" I had was to keep my children safe and I still feel that way even though they are all grown now. To know your child is in harms way and there is nothing you can do to protect them is one of the most helpless feelings I have ever encountered. My youngest son is with the National Guard and has done two deployments, my oldest son is with the 101st Airborne out of Ft. Campbell. I have been a member of the FRG for the Guard here, and during the deployment to Iraq, I was an FRG leader. I have to say that, even if your mother-in-law is a member of an FRG group, they are geared toward the wives and children of the deployed soldier. So, the point I am trying to make is she is probably feeling very left out as far as getting any information, I'm sure he calls you more than her (which he should) but the best thing you can do is communicate with her. When he calls, let her know. You don't have to give her personal information that you have communicated, but that may be the only way she will know that he is ok. I feel very fortunate that i have a daughter-in-law that has done that for me. We have always communicated when my son was deployed and have forged a very strong relationship for it. I hope this helps you to understand where your mother-in-law is coming from. I hope your husband makes it home safely from his deployment.

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Permalink Reply by Marti Knoll on January 12, 2011 at 10:31pm

As a military mom, I can honestly say we always miss our children, no matter how old or far away they are!  I too am very lucky that my daughter in law and I communicated almost daily while my son was deployed.  We were missing the same man, loving the same man...just in a different way.  So we each had our own hurt, frustration and pain, but my pain was soc onnected to her and her newborn son, whom my son left behind to serve our country, that we just became very close.  She is active military as well so she holds no misgivings about him being gone, being hurt, or having his deployment extended.  Maybe for us that helped.  But maybe as Megan and Nancy said, she is just trying to be close to her son through you and trying to hear any information, as you will get the first hand info, us mommies get second or third hand info.  Be patient and lean on each other, you have you husband in common!

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Permalink Reply by Debra Renschen on January 31, 2011 at 9:00pm

I don't think it's the same kind of missing.  A mother loves her son but a wife has a different kind of love.  You and your mother-in-law need to get on the same page, it's a give and take situation.  You need to support each other.   It helps the deployed if he knows that the wife and mom are getting along.   The mom also has to put herself in your shoes and respect your feelings.  My daughter-in-law and I get along pretty well as we both respect each others feelings.  I believe that each of you miss him just as much as the other but in different ways.  The thing that counts is that you both love him and want the best for him.  The day will come when he gets to come home and then you both will get to show him your love for him.

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Permalink Reply by Lisa Hernandez on March 2, 2011 at 7:37am

Yes, you can miss them just as much, just not in the same way.  You love him as a spouse...they love him as a son.  There is absolutely no comparison.  You will understand this better when you have children.  To the logical mind, it is incomprehensible that we, as humans, could feel such total and unconditional love toward another human we've only just met! But the parents, perhaps especially the other moms out there will know exactly what I mean. :)

 

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Permalink Reply by Lisa Hernandez on March 2, 2011 at 7:39am

Lisa Hernandez said:

Yes, you can miss them just as much, just not in the same way.  You love him as a spouse...they love him as a son.  There is absolutely no comparison.  You will understand this better when you have children.  To the logical mind, it is incomprehensible that we, as humans, could feel such total and unconditional love toward another human we've only just met! But the parents, perhaps especially the other moms out there will know exactly what I mean. :)

ETA: in terms of any advice or a solution, I'd say to just try to respect the fact that you all love your husband -- and give each other the compassion, space and understanding that involves.  You all have your love for him in common.  Make it work to draw you all closer together, not futher apart. 

 

 

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Permalink Reply by Lisa Cardone on April 20, 2011 at 7:10pm

Sweetheart, you will only understand when you have your own son or daughter.  A marriage is a very special bond, a deep love between two people.  But this child that you brought into this world is forever tethered to your heart and soul.  The bond can never be broken, unlike marriages.  So, yes.  In some instances, even more so.  But obviously, his mother isn't missing him in the way you are.  You feel the loneliness every morning you wake, every evening you retire, every special moment you want to share.  His mother has already gone through that type of  loneliness when he left his home.  Now it is your turn. 

 

She is more than likely very very worried about him.  Some moms find it difficult to let go of the responsibility of caretaker.  It will all work out.  Be understanding, even if she isn't.  :-)

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Permalink Reply by Karen B. Dudman on May 11, 2011 at 8:21am

Great question! Not so simple answer. I am a military mom, as we speak I am awaiting the goodbye call as my son begins his second deployment. Absolutely the toughest thing I ever have to do.....keeping the pain and sadness out of my voice, staying upbeat so he knows I(and the rest of his family)will be ok while he's gone and he won't waste time worrying too much about us. My feeling is that the pain is definitely different, I still have my spouse here to talk with and support me. But the hollow, empty ache is very similar. I can't do anything to protect him or keep him out of harms way, and as a mom I have spent my entire life doing that, until this point. It is very difficult. I think the important piece is for all of us to remember that we are all in this together, and together we are so much stronger for our soldiers, than alone.

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Permalink Reply by Karen Marie Green Ehrhard on August 20, 2011 at 9:23am

I think the feelings of a military wife and military mom are very different.  My husband was deployed during Enduring Freedom and it was really tough, but my husband was a strong competent adult when I met him and I knew his strength, determinatin, intelligence, and knew he would be alright.  My son is a Marine and I can picture his face afraid of Barney's Magical Forest when he was 3 years old, I know he hates spiders although the Marine Corps doesn't, and I've seen his feelings hurt by mean kids in kindergarten.  He's an excellent Marine now, can think on his feet and do exactly what he must. 

Both my husband and son are amazing warriors ready for whatever is asked of them.  My love for them is different in many ways and that makes missing them completely different too.    So, give your mother-in-law a bit of a break.  She remembers her little boy who is now a strong man serving his country.  Certainly your love for your husband is different than her love for him, but there's room for all that love!  Hang in there! 

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Permalink Reply by Maria M Schalow on April 1, 2013 at 8:49pm

The heartache is different, but just as intense.  I am speaking as a parent.  The love is different to begin with.  A parent's love and a spouse's love are different, but the missing is the very much alike.  You have to understand that no matter how old her son gets, to her that will always be her baby.  If they had a particular close relationship, it is even more intense.  I miss my son something horrible.  I sometimes have problems getting through my day, but I'm not competing with a significant other.  She is not the only one in his any more.  He shares all his moments with you first and that makes things hard for her.  On your side of things, she has to understand your side.  It is hard for you to be without the man you love.  It would be so hard to be without my husband.  I would probably be crying myself to sleep every night.  I think if your inlaws are people you can talk to, maybe share with each other how you all feel.  Support each other and share with each other when you hear from your husband.  Just a thought.

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