Help! Separation frustration
I wasn't always this upset about my husband’s absence. We will be married for 7 years on New Year's Eve this year, and we were blessed with being together most of that time. Tyler postponed finishing college when we got pregnant to let me finish my degree first, with the agreement that he would get to finish his once I got a job. But I was laid off, like so many others, only 1.5 years into my first job and he couldn’t start the new semester at school because we could no longer afford it.
I spent 2 years searching for a new job when he got his pink slip too. So he made the tough decision to look into his options with the Army. He did get lucky enough to find a MOS that would continue his current degree track and give him experience in his chosen career field. I was fine with the sacrifices this would need, because I know he would do it for me in a heartbeat. Though I did have expectations that he could be gone for a year at a time during deployments, the situation we are in now beyond my wildest dreams and is frustrating at the least.
When he graduated AIT we were told that we would be leaving with him or shortly after him for Korea. When he left in August for Korea without us we found out that it would be more like the end of October, but shortly after starting the paperwork process we found out that we would be placed on a waitlist with no real estimate for when we might be with him again.
We started on the waitlist at #76 in August, and now almost 4 months later we are #71. At this rate we won't even make it through the list before he finishes his 3 years, and because he started the Command Sponsorship process he is going to be there for the next 3 years regardless of whether we ever get there or not. No one has been able to give us any answers, they just tell us that we have to be ready to move when they say or we will be skipped. To top that off we have also been told that there is a good possibility that when he gets back to the states after this assignment he could be deployed immediately, which could mean a full 4.5 years apart, worst case. That means our son, who was 5 months old when my husband left for basic could be 5 years old before he gets to know his daddy.
So I'm not handling it well right now. It has almost been a year since he left for basic and we're not even close to getting an answer from the Army. I hate when the Army talks about all their family programs and services that are "aimed at keeping families together." They have obviously failed to help mine.
I can’t get a job with the chance that I can be told to move at any moment. We have 3 children, so a part-time job is out of the question because I would need to make more than the cost of daycare. My husband, being on the other side of the world, only has a small window of time where our schedules cross and he can find time to Skype with me, and with just an Army income we can’t afford to fly him home. Our families did manage to pool their money together to help us buy a ticket for him to come home next week. So we are having Christmas with him early this year. We get a whole week with him, but it just doesn’t feel like enough. I just hope that this ends sometime soon. I feel like we stepped into a nightmare.
Sorry to babble on like this, I’m just in need of a vent. I need to know somebody understands. I miss him so much and I just feel like I’m going crazy with my whole life on pause and no end in sight.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Lori Bell on -
Hey Becky. I understand you. It's nice to vent sometimes....we ALL need that. Ok, but here's the deal. It is what it is. Your kids and your husband are counting on you. You can't change whatever the situation is with the Army, BUT you can change your attitude about it. There are some options for you. Go ahead and pursue the job, if it ends in 3 months, so be it. That's not up to you, so stop making decisions for potential employers. Get started in your community volunteering your talents because as bad as your situation seems, someone else's is a lot worse. "Prosper Where You're Planted"....may be a hard pill to swallow but it's true.
Your life is NOT on hold. Do what you can do RIGHT NOW. Get it off pause, and by all means....soak up every waking and sleeping moment with your man. When I separated from my husband for a year, I could barely enjoy my week or weekend or whatever it was because there was always this negative cloud of "don't be too happy...he's leaving soon." Don't do that! It made us both sad. Rejoice, girl he's with you. Don't throw it away because you're not together all the time.
That's the military life we signed up for, but it's not all bad. LOOK for the good, celebrate it, don't take it for granted. And remember, you're a military spouse now. You can do this...and if you don't feel equipped, get deeper into NAMMAS so we can help prepare you.
OK?
Hugs to you over the internet!!
Lori
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Permalink Reply by Samantha on -
Hi Becky! After not being on NAMMAS for a long while, I decided to check it today. I saw your post under 'Wives in Korea', and just got done reading this post. Sorry to be responding so late. Hopefully, I can be of some encouragement. My hubby was sent to Korea for his first tour in 2006 right out of AIT, too. He did a year solo tour there, because at that time Command Sponsorship was not for all ranks across the board. Then in 2009, he got orders to return to Korea (for a second tour). We were very lucky to get CS right away due to it being for all ranks, because it hadn't gained the popularity that it has now. The reason why there is a waiting list now is because the popularity of CS was so quick. The Army in Korea was not able to support so many families so quickly. At many posts there is still not any family services such as: schools, proper medical facilities, housing, etc. Being approved for command sponsorship gets really tricky, because they have to be able to support the family before bringing y'all there. It sounds a little odd to me that they have him on a 3 year tour without command sponsorship approval. As of now, most serving in Korea on a solo tour are on a 1 year tour unless they AIP. This requires extra paperwork though and is not mandatory. Soldiers that request and get AIP approved receive extra money for extending their tour. I'm sorry to hear that the waiting list is so long now. Like Lori said, you've got to 'bloom where you are planted'. It is truly all about attitude. You've got to try to stay strong for you, your hubby, and kiddos. As for your hubby flying home, if y'all can't afford a commercial plane ticket, there is always Space A flying. In Korea, Space A flights are from the Patriot Express. I am going to send you the links to the USFK (U.S. Forces Korea) website - specifically for the Patriot Express & CS . This website is great and is very helpful to knowing what's going on in the peninsula.
USFK website ( Patriot Express) - http://www.usfk.mil/usfk/hot-topic.patriot.express.470
USFK website (Command Sponsorship) - http://www.usfk.mil/usfk/hot-topic.usfk.military.command.sponsorshi...
I hope this will be a help to you. Good luck & stay strong! Hooah!
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Permalink Reply by Melissa Frederick on -
Hi Becky.
I just checked in to NAMMAS for the first time in several months. I'm in a somewhat similar situation. My husband took a 15 month unaccompanied tour to Korea. Our 3 kids & I moved home to AR so that our oldest could go to a private school where my husband is from. Our plan/hope was that since he'd volunteered to do the unaccompanied tour, and the next tour would be his last before retirement, he could get an ROTC job here in AR and we could stay where we are. We figured worst case would be was that he'd come home just on weekends. The army being what it is, they wouldn't release him from his current field & instead offered him back to Atlanta. He explained that our oldest was in high school & we were settling in, prepping for retirement so they got him to Ft. Leavenworth - 6 hours away. We're wrapping up year 4 of the geo-bachelor thing & honestly, yes, I'm worn out. Our son graduates this month & we're moving to KS this summer - finally.
I agree that you have to live your life & not worry about when/if you'll get the call to go to Korea. If you don't, you'll go nuts from the waiting game. I worked full time the first 3 years. This year, I'm taking a year off but I'm subbing, doing some volunteer work, got certified as a volunteer firefighter & first responder and am on 2 departments, and I just got certified as a search & rescue technician for our county. In a nutshell - I'm living my life. He gets home when he can - about 1-2 weekends/month on average. I'm keeping busy & counting the days till we move.
Yes, a 4 year separation while raising 3 kids is long, exhausting & no fun. However, it will come to an end and you'll be together again as a family. You'll be more tired than you've ever been in your life but you'll also be stronger. You absolutely can get through this. Sometimes it's one day at a time & sometimes it's one hour at a time. Just remember that each time you lay down at night, you're one day closer to the end.
Hang in there girl!
Melissa
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